another long night I've felt in my self

I desire to know what I am as a being, and I have known the many splendid things I have felt with powerful contemplation. I know when I have expressed my being as I intended, I know when I have thought in conflagration and consternation of the difficulty behind my intents. I know the feelings you showed me and I thought about how my feelings were not mine but the ones I intercepted in the light of day or the dark screen of the night. I think as you might have once but I don't intend my distance from that intimacy of relation to retire my self as a personal being intent on giving who I am a different type of rhythm and the place of my mind new routines or standard interests a new flame. Living as we know the sun and moon all of us by having seen them, the different ifs of my youth gave way to the if and whens of my adult life. I'll remember those as long moments extended by what the days before had ignored, when I wanted the best for those around me and gave myself the ponderous weights of what I could accomplish by the right decision in that moment and what I failed by not giving myself the operative rest of worry and the vision of my personal self the concentration on feeling the connection between who I was by making that decision as I intended and not by ascribing more weight to the personal and emotional reactions of people important to my sense of self. I'll remember this one more than most I've known, but the days before may always be more important to who I am than the nights, as much as I desire the days to have been more like the night. Placing the fingers here is not my favorite feeling in the long moments of my life, though I have felt them here as I have felt them elsewhere.