A new purpose to a blog

The days of this year have been filled with the thoughts of change and direction towards the desires I have held for the betterment of the lives of those around me. I as an entity and person and the interests in fulfilling my life have been diverted by the interactions and personal mental ego and cognitive processing blocks and cycles that have defined the personality and life that I have led. I do not desire to live as I have for the last year, I do not desire to live as I have this week. It is the struggle of many people the world over to accomplish the betterment of the lives of others in fulfilling their personal desires and interests, and I am one who has been prone to fail. The life I lead has many meanings in the perception of who I am now and who I once was, along with the various perspectives outside of myself that I infer, observe or produce in likeness to experience I have had and constructions that have occurred in the imagination of my youthful brain connotations. I may have the feel for myself, but I have not had the feel for others in the ways I once did. I still desire not to avoid the people I admire or have had relation to, I still desire to live in relation to others I do not yet know. I wish to live as a social person beyond the limits of my current abode. I have connections to what I am, I have connections to what I have been. The connections to the future are what are less apparent in the usual way I have encountered. I have lived in my head with less vocal and personal interaction than I have ever desired or confined myself to previously. As the need for change was given a different incidence of chance and deconstruction I have taken the path ahead in leaps or small steps, in circles or in zigzags, and the core of what I have desired has been malleable to the environment, though constant in its idealization of philosophical listening to others. I have a personality, but a self defined in fits and starts I have hardly enjoyed. It is still evolving, but it will be delineated by the past year in ways I regret more than others that had confounded my emotional social contextual behavorial expressions in the living of my life. I have seen more anger than I ever desired, more lessons on my past faults than I ever imagined, and fewer smiles than I could write about like a novel of indulgence. I don't want to be vague and pontificate about only my life in relation to other beings, I don't want to feel isolated and denigrated by powerful forces inherent to where I have been or am. If you read this, I have wanted to speak with you more days than you could have been able to, or I wish I would have given you a chance to ignore me sooner. Maybe I just wish I had known someone else whose face I have fond memories of and can't get back again. Without the written word my life would be an entirely different affair and the spoken one I will use more frequently than the recent past. However little I have made it possible to develop that skill recently is based on many nonverbal actions I have taken or stopped myself from starting. I would be happier as a person if I knew you more than I know myself of the past year, though I still am thankful to know myself as well as I have many times. Disconnect has not served to enhance the relationships I valued, and taking too much time to analyze those relationships has not given me the opportunity to make paying attention a priority when I have tried to respect the opinions of so many I have known. Not respecting myself as a priority some days has taken the lack of face to face interaction to new heights. Some people don't want to see you, I probably did and told myself I forgot how, or maybe I just didn't remember who you were anymore. The complicated has risen in ways I have tried to catch and reduce in simple breadth. And the complication has multiplied in my simplistic desire to follow the heart of the matter. My heart does not feel so well today and it has had many positive things to give you. I live with myself as I desire to live with and within others. I take from the knowledge of myself that I have always wanted to give that desire a chance and the chances I have had I buried in thought. Or maybe I told you I was afraid and you lost interest. Or maybe I lost myself on a page like this one day and made you hate me. Feeling as I do today does not make me satisfied with many decisions I have made in failing to communicate with you like this, or in more precise, perhaps cogent ways. I doubt it makes you feel much better knowing that, but I don't presume to know what you feel or think about me by simply reading this. I do know that I can communicate with you better. That is one of the most important things I have ever tried to learn. So read I have, and type I have stopped. But typing I will, and speaking I will. I miss hearing my voice as I once did, and want to hear others as I have desired. Wanting does not mean achieving and I have not given myself enough credit for other work I have done. So if you are a person, I might miss you, if you are a woman, I almost certainly do.